爱死机第二季一集《自动客服》原著

by John Scalzi

Thank you for calling the customer service line of Vacuubot, purveyors of America’s finest automated vacuum cleaners! In order to more efficiently handle call volume, we rely on automated responses. To continue in English, press one. Para Espanol o prima dos.

感谢您致电美国最好的自动吸尘器供应商Vacuubot的客户服务热线!为了更有效地处理呼叫量，我们依赖于自动应答。要用英语继续，请按1。西班牙语请按0。（这句是我猜的）

Let’s continue in English. Which Vacuubot product are you calling about? For the Vacuubot S10 model, press one. For the Vacuubot XL model, press two. For the Vacuubot Extreme Clean model, press three.

让我们继续用英语交流。您想咨询哪一种Vacuubot产品? 对于Vacuubot S10型号，请按1。Vacuubot XL型号，请按2。真空机器人极端清洁模型，请按3。

Congratulations on owning the Vacuubot Extreme Clean Model, America’s most thorough and comprehensive automated vacuum cleaning solution! If you need to order additional components for the Extreme Clean, press one. If you have a repair query, press two. For all other questions, press three.

祝贺您拥有美国最彻底、最全面的自动真空清洁解决方案——Vacuubot Extreme Clean Model !如果您需要订购额外的极端清洁组件，请按1。如果你有维修问题，请按2。其他问题请按3。

You have additional questions. If you need help connecting the Vacuubot Extreme Clean to your home network, press one. If the Vacuubot Extreme Clean is conflicting with other automated home machines, press two. If the Vacuubot Extreme Clean has decided to purge your house of all living things, press three.

你有其他问题。如果您需要帮助将真空机器人极端清洁连接到您的家庭网络，请按1。如果真空机器人极端清洁与其他自动化家用机器冲突，请按2。如果真空吸尘器决定清除你房子里的所有生物，请按3

Congratulations on activating purge mode! While purge mode was designed to eradicate small pests like insects and spiders, in some models a beta software build was inadvertently released that also includes larger targets, like pets and some humans. We’re sorry for the inconvenience. To continue, please press one. Be aware that by pressing one, you are absolving Vacuubot and its owner, BeiberHoldings, Inc, of all legal and medical responsibility.

祝贺激活清除模式!虽然清除模式的设计目的是消灭昆虫和蜘蛛等小型害虫，但在一些模型中，无意中发布了一个beta软件版本，其中还包括更大的目标，如宠物和一些人。很抱歉给您带来不便。继续，请按1。请注意按1就等于免除了瓦库波特及其所有人BeiberHoldings, Inc .的所有法律和医疗责任。

You pressed “0” to speak to a human representative. The current wait time for a human representative is six hours and fourteen minutes. To return to the automated response system, press one.

你按“0”与人类代表通话。目前人类代表的等待时间是6小时14分钟。要返回自动应答系统，请按1。

Welcome back to the automated response system. First things first: Have you tried turning the Vacuubot Extreme Clean off and on again? Press one for yes, two for no.

欢迎回到自动回复系统。首先:你有没有试过把吸尘器机器人彻底关掉再打开?按1表示是，按2表示否。

You said no. Is that because the Vacuubot Extreme Clean is currently exhibiting the Taser Defense Mode, making it impossible to approach without having 50,000 volts of electricity course through your body? Press one for yes, two for no.

你说不。是因为真空机器人极端清洁正在展示泰瑟防御模式，在没有五万伏特电流通过你身体的情况下是不可能接近的吗?按1表示是，按2表示否。

We apologize for the Taser Defense Mode. It was originally designed to zap small insects, but our subcontractor misread the manufacturer specifications. Fortunately, the Defense mode can be distracted by throwing something at the Vacuubot Extreme Clean, like a heavy blanket or a pet. If you have a heavy blanket, press one. If you have a pet, press two.

我们为泰瑟枪防御模式道歉。它原本是用来消灭小昆虫的，但我们的分包商误读了制造商的规格。幸运的是，防御模式可以通过向Vacuubot Extreme Clean扔东西来分散注意力，比如一个重毯子或宠物。如果你有厚毯子，请按一。如果你有宠物，请按二。

The automated system has detected that you are using high levels of profanity right now. While the automated system is in fact automated and doesn’t care what you yell at it, your bad attitude is being noted for if and when you are put in contact with a human representative. When you have calmed your sassy boots down a bit, press one.

自动系统检测到你现在使用了大量的脏话。虽然自动化系统实际上是自动化的，并不在乎你对它吼什么，但如果你与人类代表接触，你的坏态度就会被注意到。当你冷静下来一点时，请按1。

That’s better. Now, let’s talk about pets. If you have a cat, press one. If you have a dog, press two.

这样好多了。现在，我们来谈谈宠物。如果你养猫，请按1。如果你有狗，请按二。

You have a cat! Excellent. Now, all you have to do is toss the cat at the Vacuubot Extreme Clean, and while it’s busy zapping the cat, you rush in and turn it off. If you’re willing to do this, press one. If not, press two.

你有一只猫!太好了。现在，你所要做的就是把猫扔向真空吸尘器，当它忙着给猫电击的时候，你冲进去把它关掉。如果你愿意，请按1。如果没有，请按2。

What do you mean you’re not willing to electrocute your cat? It’s a cat! It would do the same to you in an instant! Look into its cold, pitiless eyes and tell me it wouldn’t! Press one for obvious agreement, press two if you’ve been duped by this feral interloper in your own home.

你不愿意电死你的猫是什么意思?它是一只猫!它马上就会对你做同样的事!看看它那冷酷无情的眼睛，告诉我它不会!表示同意请按1，如果你在自己家里被这个野蛮的入侵者骗了请按2。

UGH, FINE. Then we’ll just have to go with a heavy blanket. Do you have one of those, at least? One for yes, two for no.

呃,好。那我们就只能用一条厚毯子了。你至少有一个吗?按1表示是，按2表示不是。

Good, you have basic home decor. Now, the plan here is, throw the blanket over the Vacuubot Extreme Clean, and while it is struggling, trying to get the blanket off of it, you run over and turn if off, making sure not to touch the actual Vacuubot, because it will just zap the crap out of you. Press one when you’re about to throw the blanket.

很好，你已经有了毯子。现在的计划是，把毯子扔到真空吸尘器上，当它挣扎着，试图把毯子弄下来的时候，你跑过去把它关掉，确保不要碰到真正的真空吸尘器，因为它会把你打得一干两净。当你要扔毯子时，请按1。

Did it work? One for yes, two for no.

成功了吗?1表示是，2表示不是。

We’re sorry to hear it did not work. Just out of curiosity, did it not work because the Vacuubot Extreme Clean vaporized it with previously unannounced lasers? One for yes, two for no.

我们很遗憾听到它没有奏效。只是出于好奇，它不能奏效因为因为真空机器人使用了之前未公布的激光将其蒸发?1表示是，2表示不是

We apologize for the lasers. The Vacuubot Extreme Clean is meant to have onboard LIDAR to help navigate the room more intelligently, but we got a really good deal on some surplus military lasers. On the other hand, it’s probably a good thing you didn’t throw the cat after all.

我们为激光道歉。真空机器人“极端清洁”本应配备机载激光雷达，以帮助更智能地导航房间，但我们在一些多余的军用激光器上做了非常好的交易。另一方面，你没把猫扔出去可能是件好事。

See, now, you’re just shouting a lot of profanity again. Just press one when you’re done.

瞧，你又在说脏话了。你说完了就按1。

Also, stop pressing zero for a human representative. We’re not exposing our very fine customer service people to you. Not with that attitude. Just press one.

还有，别再按0来找人类代表了。我们不会让我们优秀的客户服务人员为你服务。以这种态度是不行的。只能按1。

Are you trying to wait us out? We’re an automated response service! We have nothing but time! Press one. Or don’t. We can wait. FOREVER.

你想等我们出去吗?我们是自动回复服务!我们除了时间什么都没有!按1。或不。我们可以等待。永远。

Thank you for pausing your hissy fit. We regret to inform you that because you have attacked your Vacuubot Extreme Clean with a blanket, it has likely now classified you as an enemy forever and burned that classification into its permanent memory. It has also probably now targeted your cat. In scenarios such as this, your Vacuubot Extreme Clean will classify any area it’s cleaned as its personal territory. Has this Vacuubot Extreme Clean cleaned your entire home? Press one for yes, two for no.

感谢你停止了你的抱怨。我们很遗憾地通知你，因为你用毯子攻击了你的超级清洁吸尘器，它现在很可能将你列为永远的敌人并将这一分类永久地保存在它的记忆中。现在它可能也盯上了你的猫。在这种情况下，你的真空吸尘器会将任何被清洁的区域归类为它的个人领地。这个真空吸尘器打扫过你的整个家吗?按1表示是，按2表示否。

Ahhhhh, well, it’s the Vacuubot’s house now. We suggest you grab the cat and run. Seriously, run, those lasers have probably recharged by now. Run and don’t look back, the Vacuubot senses fear! Press one when you have reached minimum safe distance from the Vacuubot’s lair.

啊，现在是Vacuubot的房子了。我们建议你抓住猫就跑。说真的，快跑，那些激光现在可能已经充电了。不要回头看，吸尘器感应到了恐惧!当你到达真空机器人巢穴的最小安全距离时，请按1

Congratulations, you’ve escaped the unstoppable killing machine that is the Vacuubot Extreme Clean. Unfortunately you can’t stop now. The Vacuubot Extreme Clean has forwarded information about you to all the other Vacuubots, all of whom will now hunt you, ceaselessly, until you have been cleaned from the surface of the planet. This is your life now, to wander, never a moment’s rest, until even your cat deserts you and you are left alone to contemplate the barren wasteland that is now your existence.

恭喜你，你已经逃脱了不可阻挡的杀人机器，真空机器人极端清洁。不幸的是，你现在不能停下来。真空机器人极端清洁已经转发关于你的信息给所有其他真空机器人，他们现在会不断地猎捕你，直到你被从星球表面清除。这就是你现在的生活，游荡，一刻也不休息，直到你的猫抛弃了你，留下你独自凝视着这片贫瘠的荒原。

Unless, of course, you would like to purchase a place on the exclusive Vacuubot termination whitelist! Just $69.95 a month! Press one for a special introductory rate!

当然，您想在独占的Vacuubot termination whitelist上购买一席之地!一个月仅69.95美元!按1就可以享受优惠价!

Thank you for your purchase. We’ll connect you to a human representative now!

感谢您的购买。我们会将你连接人工客服!

原文链接：https://whatever.scalzi.com/2018/11/19/a-thanksgiving-week-gift-for-you-automated-customer-service/

中文是用了软件翻译加一点自己的润色，就将就看吧

这个up主是原文的提供方

https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1tb4y1f7Sf?t=12

如有任何不妥，请尽快告知，谢谢。