TED演讲：被最好的朋友甩了后，我找回了自己！

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分享至好友和朋友圈

一段好的友谊可以带给你幸福和成长，而一段糟糕的友谊，会让你自我怀疑，过上痛苦、低自尊的生活。

友谊如此重要，可你发现了吗？我们有婚姻治疗，家庭治疗，亲子治疗，却没有“友谊治疗”

如何治愈朋友带给自己的伤痛？又该怎样避免伤害，交到对的朋友？

其实有害的友谊早有征兆，在这段演讲中，Sharon Livingston将通过自己的亲身经历，告诉我们如何识别有害的友谊，找到对的朋友！

音频&视频

讲者简介

Sharon Livingston

利文斯顿营销集团的创始人和总裁，虽拥有成功的事业，却曾陷于有害友谊的漩涡，失去自我

双语演讲稿

So, I want to start out by telling you a story.

首先，我想讲一个故事。

So, Joe is walking down the street one morning, and all of a sudden — crash! Glass is raining down on him — ouch! Blood — oh my God! He compresses it, and he rushes back home.

一天早上，乔在街上走着，突然——砰!玻璃像雨点一样落在他身上——血，我的天啊! 他压抑着疼痛，冲回了家。

And by the time he gets home, the blood is dry and the pain in his head is subsiding, still little bit there but enough that he forgets it — I mean, he’s tough, you know, he forgets it about for 25 years. 25 years!

当回到家的时候，他的血已经干了，他头部的疼痛也减轻了，虽然还有一点，但是他已经忘记了——我的意思是，他很坚强，他已经忘记了25年了。 25年!

And then he starts having these horrendous headaches and vertigo, and he’s feeling horrible, and he can’t work. He has to go to the doctor.

然后他开始有可怕的头痛和眩晕，他感觉很糟糕，甚至无法工作。 他得去看医生。

So he goes to the doctor, and the doctor examines him, and he brings him back into his office. And he says, “So Joe, when did it happen?”

于是他去看医生，医生给他检查后，把他带回诊疗室。 问，“乔，什么时候发生的?”

“When did what happen?”

“什么时候发生的?”

“When did you get shot?”

“你什么时候中枪的?”

He says, “Shot?”

他说,“中枪?”

He says, “Joe, you have a bullet in your head.”

医生说，“乔，你脑袋里有颗子弹。”

And believe it or not, there are many stories of people walking around with bullets in their head that they are not even aware of.

信不信由你，有很多人们脑袋里带着子弹四处走动的故事，他们甚至都没有意识到。

And so he thinks about it, and he remembers that day with the glass raining down on him. He’s like amazed. And the doctor does surgery to remove the bullet.

乔想了想，他记得那天玻璃像雨点一样落在他身上，他很惊讶。 后来，医生做手术取出了子弹。

And, you know, with any kind of healing process, there’s inflammation and pain, but he gets over it. He has a little scar left, but, wow, he’s back to functioning, he’s back in the world.

你知道，在任何一种治疗过程中，都会有炎症和疼痛，但乔克服了它。除了留下了一点伤疤外，其他好像恢复正常了，乔重新回到了这个世界。

And so why am I telling you about Joe? Because living in a toxic friendship, is like taking a bullet to your head.

我为什么要告诉你乔的故事?因为生活在一段有毒的友谊中，就像挨了一颗子弹。

Now, if Joe had paid attention to the signs along the way, he could have removed that bullet and had a much fuller life. And it’s the same thing with toxic friendships: If you know the signs along the way, you can intervene earlier and not have to suffer from the results of being in a bad relationship.

如果乔有注意到沿途的迹象，他本可以早点把子弹取出来，过更充实的生活。有害的友谊也是如此：如果你知道了其中的征兆，你就可以更早地介入，而不必承受一段糟糕的关系带来的痛苦。

And how do I know this? Well, because I goofed, I was in a crazy relationship. And relationships are so important to us. Friendships are so important. We’ll do anything to keep them. Particularly, if you’re codependent, like I just discovered I was.

我怎么会知道?因为我搞砸了，我陷入了一段疯狂的关系。人际关系很重要，友谊也是如此。我们会尽一切努力留住他们。特别是，当你是一个容易依赖的人，而我发现，我就是这样。

And so let me tell you how this all started.

让我来告诉你这一切是如何发生的。

Very, very busy, I live in New Hampshire, and unless you have babies or little kids, it’s hard to make friends. And I meet this woman, and I’ve been starving for a friendship. And we had this connection. It was amazing, like our eyes lit up. We were in a friend-mance, it was amazing.

我住在新罕布什尔州，平时非常忙，除非你有小孩，否则很难交到朋友。 我遇到了一个女人，我一直渴望能交到朋友。 于是我们有了联系。 太神奇了，我们彼此的眼睛都亮了。 我们成为了朋友，这太棒了。

And we decided that we were going to hang out together, and we had so much fun. We liked to play in the same kind of ways, you know, we liked to animate things and make them talk, and we told silly jokes — we really had fun together. For a while.

我们决定一起出去玩，并且我们玩得很开心。我们有相同的玩耍喜好：让东西动起来，让它们说话，我们讲愚蠢的笑话——在一段时间里，我们一起真的很开心。

And then things started to change.

接着，事情开始有所变化。

Now, what happens in the beginning is that there’s chemistry. There’s good chemistry, and there’s not so good chemistry, right?

我们的相识像一场化学反应。 不过，化学反应有好，有坏，对吧?

Now, if you had bad chemistry, it can blow up in your face. But you don’t know at the beginning whether it is good chemistry or bad chemistry. And you have to have an open heart to allow yourself to find out and figure it out.

如果是不好的化学反应，它可以炸毁你的脸。 但一开始你不知道它是好还是坏。 你必须拥有一颗开放的心，去发现和解决它。

Let me tell you one other thing about friendships. There is research that shows that we are more likely to live longer and healthier lives if we have good friends.

让我告诉你关于友谊的另一件事。 有研究表明，如果我们有好朋友，我们更有可能活得更长、更健康。

And if we have a health challenge, there’s research that shows — contrary to what you would think, more than with the spells — having a good friend helps us heal and faster.

如果我们面临健康挑战，有研究表明——与你所想的相反，比咒语更有效——拥有一个好朋友能帮助我们更快地康复。

And so when you find a friend, you want to hold on to them. So here is what happened.

所以，当你找到一个朋友，你想留住他们。 事情是这样的。

All of a sudden, we had established that we were BFFs, and all of a sudden, she started telling me about her other best friend that she was going swimming with. Her other best friend? Huh, okay. Kind of hurt me a little bit, a little shot.

突然间，我们就确定了我们是彼此最好的朋友，又突然间，她告诉我她要和另一个最好的朋友一起去游泳。 她的另一个好朋友? 嗯,好吧。这 有点伤到了我。

And then she said, “You know, you really shouldn’t…” And she started criticizing me unsolicited. And then she’d say, “You really have to change that.” Again, unsolicited.

然后她说，“你知道，你真的不应该……”她开始不请自来地批评我。 然后她会说，“你真的需要改变。 “又一次，不请自来。

And then we would have crazy amounts of talk time where I was beginning to step back because she told me I had to change. So I put on my therapy cap and I thought, “Okay, I’ll take care of her, and I would listen.”

然后我们花了大量时间交谈，我开始让步，因为她告诉我必须改变。 我戴上治疗帽，心想:“好吧，我会照顾她，我会听她的。 ”

And then when she was done telling me this whole thing that was bothering her, she’d say, “Okay, I’ve got to go.”

当她告诉我这件事让她心烦的时候，她会说:“好吧，我得走了。 ”

And there I was, not telling her about who I was anymore, stepping back, stepping back. I was walking on eggshells. You know what it’s like to walk on eggshells? You crush them, right? You can’t have a relationship walking on eggshells.

我就这样，不再告诉她我是谁，退一步，再退一步，如履薄冰。 你知道如履薄冰的感觉吗?你把他们压扁了，对吧? 你不能让一段感情如履薄冰。

And my self-worth would be high when she was in a good mood, and then it would drop down when she was in a bad mood. I was beginning to, like, get really OCD. Like, “Oh my God, should I call her, or she’s going to call me?” And when you get that involved and that addicted, there’s something wrong, that’s a sign there’s something wrong.

我的自我价值在她心情好的时候会很高，在她心情不好的时候会下降。 我开始有点强迫症了。 比如，“天啊，我应该给她打电话，还是她会给我打电话?”“当你沉迷其中，开始上瘾时，哪里就出错了，这就是问题的征兆。

But did I intervene with myself? No. No.

我开始自我干预吗?不，不。

And so my whole self-worth was vacillating. And I was feeling sick: headaches, I was stressed out. And I mean, here I am working 16 hours a day, but for half of them, I was thinking about what’s going on in this relationship — until, finally, the last blow.

所以我整个的自我价值都在一直摇摆。 我感觉不舒服:头疼，压力很大。 我的意思是，我每天工作16个小时，但其中的一半时间，我都在思考这段关系到底发生了什么——直到最后，最后的打击。

She calls me one day, I’m 10 minutes in front of giving a webinar to coaches that I supervise. And she says, “You know what? You haven’t changed. We’re done.”

一天她给我打电话，在我准备开网络研讨会的前10分钟。 她说:“你知道吗?你还没有改变。 我们结束了。 ”

Click. She hangs up.

咚！ 她挂断了电话。

What? And I start texting her. I have to go into supervision. Texting her. No answer. And I realized it’s done. I told you how important friendship is — for our longevity, for our happiness, for our quality of life.

怎么回事?我开始给她发短信。 我必须反省，于是我给她发短信，没有回复。 我意识到一切都结束了。 我告诉过你友谊是多么重要——为了我们的长寿，为了我们的幸福，为了我们的生活质量。

Do you realize there are no programs that teach you how to be a friend counselor or friend therapist? There’s marriage therapy, there’s family therapy, there’s individual therapy, there’s executive-leadership coaching.

你是否意识到，没有任何课程教你如何成为一个朋友顾问或朋友治疗师?有婚姻治疗，家庭治疗，个人治疗，有领导力辅导。

But friendship, which is so important, there’s no program for that. Like how crazy is that?

但是友谊是如此重要，却没有任何指导。 这有多疯狂?

So I ran that webinar kind of like robotically, and I said, “What am I going to do?”

我像机器人一样开了一个网络研讨会，然后，我问自己，“我该怎么做?”

If you say, “Oh, my friend just dumped me,” you know what people will say to you? “It’s just a friend, get over it.”

如果你说，“哦，我朋友刚甩了我”，你知道人们会怎么说吗? “只是朋友而已，忘了它吧。 ”

Get over it? My heart was broken! Okay, what would I do for someone coming to me?

忘了？我的心都碎了! 好吧，换位思考，如果有人来找我寻求建议，我该怎么做?

First thing I would do is I’d say let yourself feel what you feel. You don’t want to take it in and hold on to it so it becomes a boil that’s going to burst on you.

我会说，感受你的感受。 不要把它放进去，然后紧紧抓住它，这样它会变成一个在你身上随时会爆炸的沸点。

And you know, we make ourselves sick with sadness — right? — and anger.

你知道，悲伤和愤怒会让自己生病，对吗?

So I was going up and down the stairs, going up and down the stairs. And I was screaming, I was so angry and outraged. And then I was crying like, “How did this happen? She was my best friend.”

我不断上下楼梯，我尖叫着，我非常生气和愤怒。 然后我就哭了，“这是怎么发生的?”她是我最好的朋友。 ”

And at one point, I was so upset I just sat down, I collapsed onto the stair and I sobbed. And then, I said to myself, “You know, she’s a poopy head.”

在某一时刻，我感到很沮丧，我坐了下来，倒在楼梯上，我哭了。 然后，我对自己说，“你知道，她是个多愁善感的人。 ”

Well yeah, I was a poopy head too. “You’ve got to figure this out so this doesn’t happen again.”

是啊，我是个傻瓜 “你必须解决这个问题，这样才不会再发生这种事。 ”

And I did the one thing I do well; I started writing. I started writing. I figured if I put my feelings down and my thoughts down about it, I’d begin to figure it out.

我做了一件事，并且做的很好，那就是： 我开始写作。 我想如果我把我的感觉和想法写下来，我就会开始明白。

And as I did that, things became clearer and clearer, and I started seeing how I contributed. And then one day, one morning I got up, I’m getting ready to go out, and I looked into the mirror, and I said, “You know what? I’m going to be your best friend.”

当我这么做的时候，事情变得越来越清楚，我看到了我的付出。 然后有一天早上，我起床准备出去，看着镜子里的我，我说，“你知道吗?我要成为你最好的朋友。 ”

And the other me, looking back at me, went, “Really?”

另一个回望着我，说:“真的吗?”

And I said, “Yeah, what do you want to do today?”

我说，“是的，你今天想做什么?”

And I started doing things with myself that I wanted to do with a friend — with my best friend. So me and me would do things: we were painting, we went for a walk, went out to dinner, we went to the movies, we were having fun — me and me.

我开始和自己做一些我想和朋友一起做的事情——和我最好的朋友。 所以我和“我”会做一些事情:我们画画，我们散步，我们出去吃饭，我们去看电影，我们玩得很开心——我和“我”。

And as I was giving to myself in this way, I felt better and better about myself, loved myself more, and the weirdest thing happens — as I was loving myself more, other people were coming to me.

当我以这种方式给予自己时，我对自己感觉越来越好，越来越爱自己，最奇怪的事情发生了——当我越来越爱自己时，其他人也来找我。

I was my own best friend, and therefore I had plenty of other love for other people. It wasn’t desperate with one person. It was the most amazing thing, and now I have tons of friends. And they were wonderful, and there’s no desperation.

我是自己最好的朋友，因此我对别人有很多其他的爱， 而不是对人绝望。 这是最神奇的事情，现在我有很多朋友。 他们很棒，我不再绝望。

And so one of the things that I want you to know is that when I talk about this, people come lining up and say, “You know, that happened to me.”

所以我想让你们知道的一件事是，当我谈到这件事的时候，人们排着队说，“你知道，这发生在我身上。 ”

“You know, that happened to me.”

“你知道，那发生在我身上。 ”

“Really?” And I started asking them, “When did that happen?”

“真的吗?我开始问他们，“什么时候发生的?”

“10 years ago.”

“10年前”

“20 years ago.”

“20年前。 ”

“30 years ago.”

“30年前。 ”

They still have the bullet in their head that they haven’t extracted.

他们的脑袋里还有那颗没被取出来的子弹。

And so, I’m sure people listening to this — because I’ve heard it from so many people — either have a toxic friendship or they’ve lived one in the past, and they still have some pain about it.

所以，我相信人们听到了这个——因为我从很多人那里听到了这个——要么是正在经历一段有毒的友谊，要么是曾经有过这样的友谊，但他们仍然为此感到痛苦。

And so, I’d invite you to let that out. You know, they say when you’re looking for a friend, the best friends are two equals, whole people. There’s no such thing.

所以，我希望你能把这些都说出来。 他们说，当你在交朋友的时候，最好的朋友是两个平等的人。 没有这样的事。

In fact, what I invite you to do is to find somebody that you really, really like and love who’s flawed. Two flawed people who can appreciate each other and even appreciate the flaw make great friends.

事实上，我希望你做的是，找到一个你真正喜欢，有缺陷的人。 两个有缺陷的人可以欣赏彼此，甚至欣赏彼此的缺陷，这才是最好的朋友。

So, a really good friend is a good egg that is lightly cracked.

一个真正的好朋友是一个有轻微裂缝的好鸡蛋。

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