g gIn memory of Robert J. Sachar and to my mother, Andy, and Jeff g

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.Contents

. Introduction Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28

Chapter 29 Chapter 30About Louis Sachar

Imprint

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Introduction

This book contains thirty stories about the children and teachers at Wayside School. Butbefore we get to them, there is something you ought to know so that you don’t get confused.

Wayside School was accidentally built sideways. It was supposed to be only one story high, with thirty classrooms all in a row. Instead it isthirty stories high, with one classroom on each story. The builder said he was very sorry. The children at Wayside like having a sideways school. They have an extra-largeplayground. The children and teachers described in this book all go to class on the top floor. So thereare thirty stories from the thirtieth story of Wayside School. It has been said that these stories are strange and silly. That is probably true. However,when I told stories about you to the children at Wayside, they thought you were strange andsilly. That is probably also true.

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Chapter 1

Mrs. Gorf

Mrs. Gorf had a long tongue and pointed ears. She was the meanest teacher in WaysideSchool. She taught the class on the thirtieth story.

“If you children are bad,” she warned, “or if you answer a problem wrong, I’ll wiggle myears, stick out my tongue, and turn you into apples!” Mrs. Gorf didn’t like children, but sheloved apples.

Joe couldn’t add. He couldn’t even count. But he knew that if he answered a problemwrong, he would be turned into an apple. So he copied from John. He didn’t like to cheat, butMrs. Gorf had never taught him how to add.

One day Mrs Gorf caught Joe copying John’s paper. She wiggled her ears—first her rightone, then her left—stuck out her tongue, and turned Joe into an apple. Then she turned Johninto an apple for letting Joe cheat.

“Hey, that isn’t fair,” said Todd. “John was only trying to help a friend.” Mrs. Gorf wiggled her ears—first her right one, then her left—stuck out her tongue, andturned Todd into an apple. “Does anybody else have an opinion?” she asked. Nobody said a word. Mrs. Gorf laughed and placed the three apples on her desk. Stephen started to cry. He couldn’t help it. He was scared.

“I do not allow crying in the classroom,” said Mrs. Gorf. She wiggled her ears—first herright one, then her left—stuck out her tongue, and turned Stephen into an apple.

For the rest of the day, the children were absolutely quiet. And when they went home, theywere too scared even to talk to their parents.

But Joe, John, Todd, and Stephen couldn’t go home. Mrs. Gorf just left them on her desk.

They were able to talk to each other, but they didn’t have much to say. Their parents were very worried. They didn’t know where their children were. Nobody

seemed to know.

The next day Kathy was late for school. As soon as she walked in, Mrs. Gorf turned herinto an apple.

Paul sneezed during class. He was turned into an apple. Nancy said, “God bless you!” when Paul sneezed. Mrs. Gorf wiggled her ears—first herright one, then her left—stuck out her tongue, and turned Nancy into an apple. Terrence fell out of his chair. He was turned into an apple. Maurecia tried to run away. She was halfway to the door as Mrs. Gorf’s right ear began towiggle. When she reached the door, Mrs. Gorf’s left ear wiggled. Maurecia opened the doorand had one foot outside when Mrs. Gorf stuck out her tongue. Maurecia became an apple. Mrs. Gorf picked up the apple from the floor and put it on her desk with the others. Then afunny thing happened. Mrs. Gorf turned around and fell over a piece of chalk.

The three Erics laughed. They were turned into apples. Mrs. Gorf had a dozen apples on her desk: Joe, John, Todd, Stephen, Kathy, Paul, Nancy,Terrence, Maurecia, and the three Erics—Eric Fry, Eric Bacon, and Eric Ovens. Louis, the yard teacher, walked into the classroom. He had missed the children at recess.He had heard that Mrs. Gorf was a mean teacher. So he came up to investigate. He saw thetwelve apples on Mrs. Gorf’s desk. “I must be wrong,” he thought. “She must be a goodteacher if so many children bring her apples.” He walked back down to the playground. The next day a dozen more children were turned into apples. Louis, the yard teacher, cameback into the room. He saw twenty-four apples on Mrs. Gorf’s desk. There were only threechildren left in the class. “She must be the best teacher in the world,” he thought. By the end of the week all of the children were apples. Mrs. Gorf was very happy. “Now Ican go home,” she said. “I don’t have to teach anymore. I won’t have to walk up thirty flightsof stairs ever again.” “You’re not going anywhere,” shouted Todd. He jumped off the desk and bopped Mrs.Gorf on the nose. The rest of the apples followed. Mrs. Gorf fell on the floor. The applesjumped all over her. “Stop,” she shouted, “or I’ll turn you into applesauce!”

But the apples didn’t stop, and Mrs. Gorf could do nothing about it. “Turn us back into children,” Todd demanded. Mrs. Gorf had no choice. She stuck out her tongue, wiggled her ears—this time her left one

first, then her right—and turned the apples back into children. “All right,” said Maurecia, “let’s go get Louis. He’ll know what to do.” “No!” screamed Mrs. Gorf. “I’ll turn you back into apples.” She wiggled her ears—first

her right one, then her left—and stuck out her tongue. But Jenny held up a mirror, and Mrs.Gorf turned herself into an apple.

The children didn’t know what to do. They didn’t have a teacher. Even though Mrs. Gorfwas mean, they didn’t think it was right to leave her as an apple. But none of them knew howto wiggle their ears.

Louis, the yard teacher, walked in. “Where’s Mrs. Gorf?” he asked. Nobody said a word. “Boy, am I hungry,” said Louis. “I don’t think Mrs. Gorf would mind if I ate this apple.After all, she always has so many.” He picked up the apple, which was really Mrs. Gorf, shined it up on his shirt, and ate it.

Chapter 2

Mrs. Jewls

Mrs. Jewls had a terribly nice face. She stood at the bottom of Wayside School and lookedup. She was supposed to teach the class on the thirtieth story.

The children on the thirtieth story were scared. They had never told anybody what hadhappened to Mrs. Gorf. They hadn’t had a teacher for three days. They were afraid of whattheir new teacher would be like. They had heard she’d be a terribly nice teacher. They hadnever had a nice teacher. They were terribly afraid of nice teachers.

Mrs. Jewls walked up the winding, creaking staircase to the thirtieth story. She was alsoafraid. She was afraid of the children. She had heard that they would be horribly cutechildren. She had never taught cute children. She was horribly afraid of cute children.

She opened the door to the classroom. She was terribly nice. The children could tell justby looking at her.

Mrs. Jewls looked at the children. They were horribly cute. In fact, they were much toocute to be children.

“I don’t believe it,” said Mrs. Jewls. “It’s a room full of monkeys!” The children looked at each other. They didn’t see any monkeys. “This is ridiculous,” said Mrs. Jewls, “just ridiculous. I walked all the way up thirtyflights of stairs for nothing but a class of monkeys. What do they think I am? I’m a teacher, nota zookeeper!” The children looked at her. They didn’t know what to say. Todd scratched his head. “Oh, I’m sorry,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Please don’t get me wrong. I have nothing againstmonkeys. It is just that I was expecting children. I like monkeys. I really do. Why, I’m surewe can play all kinds of monkey games.” “What are you talking about?” asked Todd. Mrs. Jewls nearly fell off her chair. “Well, what do you know, a talking monkey.Tomorrow I’ll bring you a banana.” “My name is Todd,” said Todd. The children were flabbergasted. They all raised their hands. “I’m sorry,” said Mrs. Jewls, “but I don’t have enough bananas for all of you. I didn’texpect this. Next week I’ll bring in a whole bushel.”

“I don’t want a banana,” said Calvin. “I’m not a monkey.” “Would you like a peanut?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “I think I might have a bag of peanuts in mypurse. Wait a second. Yes, here it is.” “Thanks,” said Calvin. Calvin liked peanuts. Allison stood up. “I’m not a monkey,” she said. “I’m a girl. My name is Allison. And so iseverybody else.” Mrs. Jewls was shocked. “Do you mean to tell me that every monkey in here is namedAllison?” “No,” said Jenny. “She means we are all children. My name is Jenny.” “No,” said Mrs. Jewls. “You’re much too cute to be children.” Jason raised his hand. “Yes,” said Mrs. Jewls, “the chimpanzee in the red shirt.” “My name is Jason,” said Jason, “and I’m not a chimpanzee.” “You’re too small to be a gorilla,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’m a boy,” said Jason. “You’re not a monkey?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “No,” said Jason. “And the rest of the class, they’re not monkeys, either?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “No,” said Allison. “That is what we’ve been trying to tell you.” “Are you sure?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “We’d know if we were monkeys, wouldn’t we?” asked Calvin. “I don’t know,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Do monkeys know that they are monkeys?” “I don’t know,” said Allison. “I’m not a monkey.” “No, I suppose you’re not,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Okay, in that case, we have a lot of work todo—reading, writing, subtraction, addition, spelling. Everybody take out a piece of paper.We will have a test now.” Jason tapped Todd on the shoulder. He said, “Do you want to know something? I liked itbetter when she thought we were monkeys.” “I know,” said Todd. “I guess now it means she won’t bring me a banana.” “There will be no talking in class,” said Mrs. Jewls. She wrote Todd’s name on theblackboard under the word DISCIPLINE.

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Chapter 3

Joe

Joe had curly hair. But he didn’t know how much hair he had. He couldn’t count that high. Infact, he couldn’t count at all.

When all of the other children went to recess, Mrs. Jewls told Joe to wait inside. “Joe,”she said. “How much hair do you have?”

Joe shrugged his shoulders. “A lot,” he answered. “But how much, Joe?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “Enough to cover my head,” Joe answered. “Joe, you are going to have to learn how to count,” said Mrs. Jewls. “But, Mrs. Jewls, I already know how to count,” said Joe. “Let me go to recess.” “First count to ten,” said Mrs. Jewls. Joe counted to ten: “six, eight, twelve, one, five, two, seven, eleven, three, ten.” “No, Joe, that is wrong,” said Mrs. Jewls. “No, it isn’t,” said Joe. “I counted until I got to ten.” “But you were wrong,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’ll prove it to you.” She put five pencils on hisdesk. “How many pencils do we have here, Joe?” Joe counted the pencils. “Four, six, one, nine, five. There are five pencils, Mrs. Jewls.” “That’s wrong,” said Mrs. Jewls.

“How many pencils are there?” Joe asked. “Five,” said Mrs. Jewls. “That’s what I said,” said Joe. “May I go to recess now?” “No,” said Mrs. Jewls. “You got the right answer, but you counted the wrong way. Youwere just lucky.” She set eight potatoes on his desk. “How many potatoes, Joe?” Joe counted the potatoes. “Seven, five, three, one, two, four, six, eight. There are eightpotatoes, Mrs. Jewls.”

“No, there are eight,” said Mrs. Jewls. “But that’s what I said,” said Joe. “May I go to recess now?” “No, you got the right answer, but you counted the wrong way again.” She put three bookson his desk. “Count the books, Joe.” Joe counted the books. “A thousand, a million, three. Three, Mrs. Jewls.” “Correct,” said Mrs. Jewls. “May I go to recess now?” Joe asked. “No” said Mrs Jewls. “May I have a potato?” asked Joe.

“No. Listen to me. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,” said Mrs. Jewls.“Now you say it.”

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,” said Joe. “Very good!” said Mrs. Jewls. She put six erasers on his desk. “Now count the erasers,Joe, just the way I showed you.” Joe counted the erasers. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. There areten, Mrs. Jewls.” “No,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Didn’t I count right?” asked Joe. “Yes, you counted right, but you got the wrong answer,” said Mrs. Jewls. “This doesn’t make any sense,” said Joe. “When I count the wrong way I get the rightanswer, and when I count right I get the wrong answer.” Mrs. Jewls hit her head against the wall five times. “How many times did I hit my headagainst the wall?” she asked. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. You hit your head against the wallten times,” said Joe. “No,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Four, six, one, nine, five. You hit your head five times,” said Joe. Mrs. Jewls shook her head no and said, “Yes, that is right.” The bell rang, and all the other children came back from recess. The fresh air had madethem very excited, and they were laughing and shouting. “Oh, darn.” said Joe. “Now I missed recess.” “Hey, Joe, where were you?” asked John. “You missed a great game of kickball.” “I kicked a home run,” said Todd. “What was wrong with you, Joe?” asked Joy. “Nothing,” said Joe. “Mrs. Jewls was just trying to teach me how to count.” Joy laughed. “You mean you don’t know how to count!” “Counting is easy,” said Maurecia. “Now, now,” said Mrs. Jewls. “What’s easy for you may not be easy for Joe, and what’seasy for Joe may not be easy for you.”

“Nothing’s easy for Joe,” said Maurecia. “He’s stupid.” “I can beat you up,” said Joe. “Try it,” said Maurecia. “That will be enough of that,” said Mrs. Jewls. She wrote Maurecia’s name on theblackboard under the word DISCIPLINE. Joe put his head on his desk between the eight potatoes and the six erasers. “Don’t feel bad, Joe,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I just don’t get it,” said Joe. “I’ll never learn how to count.” “Sure you will, Joe,” said Mrs. Jewls. “One day it will just come to you. You’ll wake upone morning and suddenly be able to count.” Joe asked, “If all I have to do is wake up, what am I going to school for?” “School just speeds things up,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Without school it might take anotherseventy years before you wake up and are able to count.” “By that time I may have no hair left on top of my head to count,” said Joe. “Exactly,” said Mrs. Jewls. “That is why you go to school.” When Joe woke up the next day, he knew how to count. He had fifty-five thousand and sixhairs on his head. They were all curly.

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Chapter 4

Sharie

Sharie had long eyelashes. She weighed only forty-nine pounds. She always wore a big redand blue overcoat with a hood. The overcoat weighed thirty-five pounds. The red partweighed fifteen pounds, the blue part weighed fifteen pounds, and the hood weighed fivepounds. Her eye-lashes weighed a pound and a half.

She sat next to the window in Mrs. Jewls’s class. She spent a lot of time just staring outthe window. Mrs. Jewls didn’t mind. Mrs. Jewls said that a lot of people learn best whenthey stare out a window.

Sharie often fell asleep in class. Mrs. Jewls didn’t mind that, either. She said that a lot ofpeople do their best learning when they are asleep.

Sharie spent all of her time either looking out the window or sleeping. Mrs. Jewls thoughtshe was the best student in the class.

One afternoon it was very hot. All of the windows were open, yet Sharie still wore her redand blue overcoat. The heat made her very tired. Mrs. Jewls was teaching arithmetic. Shariepulled the hood up over her face, buried herself in the coat, and went to sleep.

“Mrs. Jewls,” said Kathy, “Sharie is asleep.” “That’s good,” said Mrs. Jewls. “She must be learning something.” Mrs. Jewls continued with the lesson. Sharie began to snore. “Mrs. Jewls, Sharie is snoring,” said Kathy. “Yes, I can hear her,” said Mrs. Jewls. “She must be learning an awful lot today. I wishthe rest of you could be like her.” Sharie began to toss and turn. She flopped over on top of her desk, and then rolled over ontop of Kathy’s desk. Then she rolled back the other way. Kathy screamed. Sharie rolled outthe window. She was still sound asleep. As you know, Mrs. Jewls’s class was on the thirtieth story of Wayside School. So Shariehad a long way to go. After she had fallen ten stories, Sharie woke up. She looked around. She was confused.She wasn’t in Mrs. Jewls’s class, and she wasn’t at home in bed. She couldn’t figure outwhere she was. She yawned, pulled the hood back over her eyes, and went back to sleep. By

that time she had fallen another ten stories. g

g Wayside School had an exceptionally large playground. Louis, the yard teacher, was wayover on the other side of it when he happened to see Sharie fall out the window. He duckedunder the volleyball net, hurtled past the kickball field, hopped over the hopscotch court,climbed through the monkey bars, sped across the grass, and caught Sharie just before she hitthe ground.

The people in Mrs. Jewls’s class cheered. Sharie woke up in Louis’s arms. “Darn it, Louis,” she said. “What did you go and wake me up for?” “I’m sorry, Sharie,” said Louis. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Sharie repeated. “Is that all you can say? I was having a wonderfuldream until you woke me up. You’re always bothering me, Louis. I can’t stand it.” Shelaughed and hugged him around the neck. Louis carried her back up thirty flights of stairs to Mrs. Jewls’s room. That evening, when Sharie went to bed, she was unable to fall asleep. She just wasn’ttired.

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Chapter 5

Todd

All of the children in Mrs. Jewls’s class, except Todd, were talking and carrying on. Toddwas thinking. Todd always thought before he spoke. When he got an idea, his eyes lit up.

Todd finished thinking and began to speak. But before he said two words, Mrs. Jewlscalled him.

“Todd,” she said, “you know better than to talk in class. You must learn to work quietly,like the other children.” She wrote his name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE.

Todd looked around in amazement. All of the other children, who had been talking andscreaming and fighting only seconds earlier, were quietly working in their workbooks. Toddscratched his head.

A child was given three chances in Mrs. Jewls’s class. The first time he did somethingwrong, Mrs. Jewls wrote his name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE. Thesecond time he did something wrong, she put a check next to his name. And the third time hedid something wrong, she circled his name.

Todd reached into his desk and pulled out his workbook. He had only just started on itwhen he felt someone tap him on the shoulder. It was Joy.

“What page are you on?” Joy asked. “Page four,” Todd whispered. “I’m on page eleven,” said Joy. Todd didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to get into trouble. He just went back to work. Five minutes later, Joy tapped him again. Todd ignored her. So Joy poked him in the backwith her pencil. Todd pretended he didn’t notice. Joy got up from her seat and sharpened herpencil. She came back and poked it in Todd’s back. “What page are you on?” she asked. “Page five,” Todd answered. “Boy, are you dumb,” said Joy, “I’m on page twenty-nine.” “It isn’t a race,” Todd whispered.

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g Five minutes later Joy pulled Todd’s hair and didn’t let go until he turned around. “Whatpage are you on?” she demanded. “Page six,” Todd answered as quietly as he could. “I’M ON PAGE TWO HUNDRED!” Joy shouted. Todd was very angry. “Will you please let me do my work and stop bothering me!” Mrs. Jewls heard him. “Todd, what did I say about talking in class?” Todd scratched his head. Mrs. Jewls put a check next to Todd’s name on the blackboard under the wordDISCIPLINE. Todd really tried to be good. He knew that if he talked one more time, Mrs. Jewls wouldcircle his name. Then he’d have to go home early, at twelve o’clock, on the kindergarten bus,just as he had the day before and the day before that. In fact, there hadn’t been a day sinceMrs. Jewls took over the class that she didn’t send Todd home early. She said she did it forhis own good. The other children went home at two o’clock. Todd wasn’t really bad. He just always got caught. He really wanted to stay past twelveo’clock. He wanted to find out what the class did from twelve to two. But it didn’t look asthough this was going to be his day. It was only ten-thirty, and he already had two strikesagainst him. He sealed his lips and went back to work. There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Jewls opened it. Two men stepped in wearing masksand holding guns. “Give us all your money!” they demanded. “All I have is a nickel,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I have a dime,” said Maurecia. “I have thirteen cents,” said Leslie. “I have four cents,” said Dameon. “What kind of bank is this?” asked one of the robbers. “It’s not a bank, it’s a school,” said Todd. “Can’t you read?” “No,” said the robbers. “Neither can I,” said Todd. “Do you mean we walked all the way up thirty flights of stairs for nothing?” asked therobber. “Don’t you have anything valuable?” Todd’s eyes lit up. “We sure do,” he said. “We have knowledge.” He grabbed Joy’sworkbook and gave it to the robbers. “Knowledge is much more valuable than money.”

“Thanks, kid,” said one of the robbers. “Maybe I’ll give up being a criminal and become a scientist,” said the other. They left the room without hurting anybody. “Now I don’t have a workbook,” complained Joy. Mrs. Jewls gave her a new one. Joy had to start all the way back at the beginning. “Hey, Joy, what page are you on?” asked Todd. “Page one,” Joy sighed. “I’m on page eight,” laughed Todd triumphantly. Mrs. Jewls heard him. She circled his name. Todd had three strikes against him. At twelveo’clock he left the room to go home early on the kindergarten bus. But this time when he left, he was like a star baseball player leaving the field. All thechildren stood up, clapped their hands, and whistled. Todd scratched his head.

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Chapter 6

Bebe

Bebe was a girl with short brown hair, a little beebee nose, totally tiny toes, and big browneyes. Her full name was Bebe Gunn. She was the fastest draw in Mrs. Jewls’s class.

She could draw a cat in less than forty-five seconds, a dog in less than thirty, and a flowerin less than eight seconds.

But, of course, Bebe never drew just one dog, or one cat, or one flower. Art was fromtwelve-thirty to one-thirty. Why, in that time, she could draw fifty cats, a hundred flowers,twenty dogs, and several eggs or watermelons. It took her the same amount of time to draw awatermelon as an egg.

Calvin sat next to Bebe. He didn’t think he was very good at art. Why, it took him thewhole period just to draw one airplane. So instead, he just helped Bebe. He was Bebe’sassistant. As soon as Bebe would finish one masterpiece, Calvin would take it from her andset down a clean sheet of paper. Whenever her crayon ran low, Calvin was ready with a newcrayon. That way Bebe didn’t have to waste any time. And in return, Bebe would draw fiveor six airplanes for Calvin.

It was twelve-thirty, time for art. Bebe was ready. On her desk was a sheet of yellowconstruction paper. In her hand was a green crayon.

Calvin was ready. He held a stack of paper and a box of crayons. “Ready, Bebe,” said Calvin. “Ready, Calvin,” said Bebe. “Okay,” said Mrs. Jewls, “time for art.” She had hardly finished her sentence when Bebe had already drawn a picture of a leaf. Calvin took it from her and put another piece of paper down. “Red,” called Bebe. Calvin handed Bebe a red crayon.

“Blue,” called Bebe. He gave her a blue crayon. They were quite a pair. Their teamwork was remarkable. Bebe drew pictures as fast asCalvin could pick up the old paper and set down the new – a fish, an apple, three cherries,bing, bing, bing. At one-thirty Mrs. Jewls announced, “Okay, class, art is over.” Bebe dropped her crayon and fell over on her desk. Calvin sighed and leaned back in hischair. He could hardly move. They had broken their old record. Bebe had drawn threehundred and seventy-eight pictures. They lay in a pile on Calvin’s desk. Mrs. Jewls walked by. “Calvin, did you draw all these pictures?” Calvin laughed. “No, I can’t draw. Bebe drew them all.” “Well, then, what did you draw?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “I didn’t draw anything,” said Calvin. “Why not? Don’t you like art?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “I love art,” said Calvin. “That’s why I didn’t draw anything.” Mrs. Jewls did not understand. “It would have taken me the whole period just to draw one picture,” said Calvin. “AndBebe would only have been able to draw a hundred pictures. But with the two of us workingtogether, she was able to draw three hundred and seventy-eight pictures! That’s a lot moreart.” Bebe and Calvin shook hands. “No,” said Mrs. Jewls. “That isn’t how you measure art. It isn’t how many pictures youhave, but how good the pictures are. Why, a person could spend his whole life just drawingone picture of a cat. In that time I’m sure Bebe could draw a million cats.” “Two million,” said Bebe. Mrs. Jewls continued. “But if that one picture is better than each of Bebe’s two million,then that person has produced more art than Bebe.” Bebe looked as if she was going to cry. She picked up all the pictures from Calvin’s deskand threw them in the garbage. Then she ran from the room. “I thought her pictures were good,” said Calvin. He reached into the garbage pail and tookout a crumpled-up picture of an airplane. Bebe walked outside into the playground. Louis, the yard teacher, spotted her. “Where are you going?” he asked. “I’m going home to draw a picture of a cat,” said Bebe. “Will you bring it to school and show it to me tomorrow?” Louis asked. “Tomorrow!” laughed Bebe. “By tomorrow I doubt if I’ll even be finished with onewhisker.”

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Chapter 7

Calvin

Calvin had a big, round face. “Calvin,” said Mrs. Jewls, “I want you to take this note to Miss Zarves for me.” “Miss Zarves?” asked Calvin. “Yes, Miss Zarves,” said Mrs. Jewls. “You know where she is, don’t you?” “Yes,” said Calvin. “She’s on the nineteenth story.” “That’s right, Calvin,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Take it to her.” Calvin didn’t move. “Well, what are you waiting for?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “She’s on the nineteenth story,” said Calvin. “Yes, we have already established that fact,” said Mrs. Jewls. “The nineteenth story,” Calvin repeated. “Yes, Calvin, the nineteenth story,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Now take it to her before I lose my

patience.” “But, Mrs. Jewls,” said Calvin. “Now, Calvin!” said Mrs. Jewls. “Unless you would rather go home on the kindergarten

bus.” “Yes, ma’am,” said Calvin. Slowly he walked out the door. “Ha, ha, ha,” laughed Terrence, “take it to the nineteenth story.” “Give it to Miss Zarves,” hooted Myron. “Have fun on the nineteenth story,” called Jason. Calvin stood outside the door to the classroom. He didn’t know where to go. As you know, when the builder built Wayside School, he accidentally built it sideways.

But he also forgot to build the nineteenth story. He built the eighteenth and the twentieth, butno nineteenth. He said he was very sorry.

There was also no Miss Zarves. Miss Zarves taught the class on the nineteenth story. Sincethere was no nineteenth story, there was no Miss Zarves.

And besides that, as if Calvin didn’t have enough problems, there was no note. Mrs. Jewlshad never given Calvin the note.

“Boy, this is just great,” thought Calvin. “Just great! I’m supposed to take a note that Idon’t have to a teacher who doesn’t exist, and who teaches on a story that was never built.”

He didn’t know what to do. He walked down to the eighteenth story, then back up to thetwentieth, then back down to the eighteenth, and back up again to the twentieth. There was nonineteenth story. There never was a nineteenth story. And there never will be a nineteenthstory.

Calvin walked down to the administration office. He decided to put the note in MissZarves’s mailbox. But there wasn’t one of those, either. That didn’t bother Calvin too much,however, since he didn’t have a note.

He looked out the window and saw Louis, the yard teacher, shooting baskets. “Louis willknow what to do,” he thought. Calvin went outside.

“Hey, Louis,” Calvin called. “Hi, Calvin,” said Louis. He tossed him the basketball. Calvin dribbled up and took ashot. He missed. Louis tipped it in. “Do you want to play a game?” Louis asked. “I don’t have time,” said Calvin. “I have to deliver a note to Miss Zarves up on thenineteenth story.” “Then what are you doing all the way down here?” Louis asked. “There is no nineteenth story,” said Calvin. “Then where is Miss Zarves?” asked Louis. “There is no Miss Zarves,” said Calvin. “What are you going to do with the note?” asked Louis. “There is no note,” said Calvin. “I understand,” said Louis. “That’s good,” said Calvin, “because I sure don’t.” “It’s very simple,” said Louis. “You are not supposed to take no notes to no teachers. Youalready haven’t done it.” Calvin still didn’t understand. “I’ll just have to tell Mrs. Jewels that I couldn’t deliver thenote,” he said. “That’s good,” said Louis. “The truth is always best. Besides, I don’t think I understandwhat I said, either.” Calvin walked back up the thirty flights of stairs to Mrs. Jewls’s class. “Thank you very much, Calvin,” said Mrs. Jewls. Calvin said, “But I—” Mrs. Jewls interrupted him. “That was a very important note, and I’m glad I was able tocount on you.” “Yes, but you see—” said Calvin. “You delivered the note to Miss Zarves on the nineteenth story?” asked Jason. “How didyou do it?” “What do you mean, how did he do it?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “He gave Miss Zarves the note.Some people, Jason, are responsible.” “But you see, Mrs. Jewls—” said Calvin. “The note was very important,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I told Miss Zarves not to meet me for

lunch.” “Don’t worry,” said Calvin. “She won’t.” “Good,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I have a coffee can full of Tootsie Roll pops on my desk. You

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Chapter 8

Myron

Myron had big ears. He was elected class president. The children in Mrs. Jewls’s classexpected him to be a good president. Other presidents were good speakers. Myron was evenbetter. He was a good listener.

But he had a problem. He didn’t know what a class president was supposed to do. So heasked.

“What am I supposed to do?” “It’s a difficult job,” said Mrs. Jewls. “But you can do it. You must turn the lights on everymorning and turn them off at the end of the day.” “What?” asked Myron. “As a class president you must learn to listen,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’ll repeat myself onlyone more time. You must turn the lights on every morning—” “I heard you the first time,” said Myron. “It just doesn’t sound like much of a job.” “It certainly is!” said Mrs. Jewls. “Without light I can’t teach, and the children can’t learn.Only you can give us that light. I think it is a very important job.” “I guess so,” said Myron. He wasn’t convinced. “Here, let me show you how to work a light switch,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I already know how,” said Myron. “I’ve been turning lights on and off all my life.” “Very good!” said Mrs. Jewls. “You’ll make a fine president.” Myron wanted to be the best president ever. But it was such an easy job, he thought, thatanybody could do it. When school let out that day, Myron stayed behind. He turned out thelights by flicking the switch down. “Excellent!” said Mrs. Jewls. On his way home, Myron heard a horrible noise. First there was a loud screeching, then asharp squeal, a roaring engine, and then the very faint sound of a girl crying. Myron ran to see what had happened. Dana was bent over in the middle of the road. “What’s the matter?” asked Myron. “My dog, Pugsy, was hit by a car,” Dana cried.

“Who did it?” asked Myron. “I don’t know!” Dana sobbed. “They sped away.” “Well, that’s not important,” said Myron. “We’ve got to try to save Pugsy.” Pugsy lay unconscious in the street. Myron carefully picked her up. He carried her twomiles to the vet. Dana cried at his side. “Don’t worry, Dana,” said Myron. “She’ll be all right.” But he wasn’t really so sure. He gave Pugsy to the vet, walked Dana home, then walked home himself. Dana was so upset that she forgot to thank him. Myron didn’t mind. He thought that waswhat being class president was all about. The next morning, before he went to school, Myron went to Dana’s house. Pugsy wasthere. She seemed all right. Dana petted her. Pugsy licked her face.

“See, Myron, she’s all right,” said Dana. “The vet said that you brought her in just intime.”

“Hi, Pugsy,” said Myron. He petted her. Pugsy bit his hand. “I guess she doesn’t know you,” said Dana. “She was unconscious yesterday when yousaved her life.” Dana’s mother put some medicine and a Band-Aid on Myron’s hand. Then she drove thechildren to school. They were late. They ran up the stairs to Mrs. Jewls’s class. The room was completelydark. “It’s about time you got here, Myron,” said Mrs. Jewls. “We have no lights.” “Why didn’t somebody else just turn them on?” asked Myron. “Because you’re class president,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Show Stephen how to work the lights.From now on he will be class president.” Myron showed Stephen how to turn on the lights. He flicked the switch up. At the end of the day, Myron showed Stephen how to turn the lights off. He flicked theswitch down. After a week, Stephen finally caught on. He made a good president. The lights were onevery morning. Myron, who was president for only a day, was the best president in the history of WaysideSchool. It was just that nobody knew it.

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Chapter 9

Maurecia

Maurecia liked ice cream. She was sweet and pretty and could beat up any boy in Mrs.Jewls’s class. Everybody liked Maurecia—except Kathy, but then she didn’t like anybody.Maurecia only liked ice cream.

Every day Maurecia brought an ice cream cone to school and kept it in her desk until lunchtime. At first she brought chocolate ice cream every day. But she soon tired of chocolate icecream. So she started bringing vanilla. But she got tired of vanilla, too. Then she got tired ofstrawberry, fudge ripple, butter pecan, pistachio, and burgundy cherry, in that order. And thena terrible thing happened. Maurecia got tired of ice cream. By that time her desk was a mess,and everything in it was sticky.

Everybody liked Maurecia. But Maurecia didn’t like anything. Mrs. Jewls hated to see Maurecia unhappy. “I don’t understand it, Mrs. Jewls,” cried Maurecia. “There just aren’t any good flavorsanymore.” So Mrs. Jewls worked all night. The next day she brought in a new flavor of ice cream forMaurecia. It was Maurecia-flavored ice cream. “Everybody will like it,” thought Mrs. Jewls,“because everybody likes Maurecia.” “Here you are, Maurecia,” said Mrs. Jewls, “Maurecia-flavored ice cream.” Everybody gathered around as Maurecia tasted it. They hoped she’d like it.

Maurecia took a lick. “Well?” said Mrs. Jewls. Maurecia took another lick. “Well?” asked the class. “This ice cream has no taste,” said Maurecia. “It doesn’t taste bad, but it doesn’t taste

good. It doesn’t taste like anything at all!” Mrs. Jewls was heartbroken. “Here, let me try it,” said Todd. He tasted it. “You’re crazy, Maurecia!” he said. “This is

the best-tasting ice cream I’ve ever eaten! Try some, Deedee.” “Ummmmmmmmm, it’s delicious,” said Deedee. “It’s so sweet and creamy.” She passed it

around the room.

“Oh, it is so good,” said Leslie. “I think it tastes terrible,” said Kathy. “I don’t understand it,” said Maurecia. “I don’t taste a thing.” Mrs. Jewls slapped herself in the face. “Oh, I’ve made a big mistake, Maurecia. Of courseyou can’t taste anything. It’s Maurecia-flavored ice cream. It’s the same taste you alwaystaste when you’re not tasting anything at all.” So the next day Mrs. Jewls brought in Joe-flavored ice cream. Maurecia liked it. So dideverybody else. Joe thought it had no taste. Everybody liked Maurecia. Maurecia only liked Joe.

The following day Mrs. Jewls brought in Ron-flavored ice cream. Ron thought it had notaste, but everybody else loved it.

Everybody liked Maurecia. Maurecia only liked Joe and Ron. By the end of the month, Mrs. Jewls had brought in twenty-seven new flavors of ice cream,one for each member of the class. Everybody liked Maurecia, and Maurecia liked everybody. They all tasted so good. Allexcept Kathy, that is. Kathy-flavored ice cream tasted a little bit like old bologna.

Everyone still agreed that Maurecia-flavored ice cream was the best, except Maurecia.She liked Todd ice cream the best.

This turned out to be a problem. Every once in a while Maurecia would try to take a biteout of Todd’s arm in order to get that very special flavor.

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Chapter 10

Paul

Paul had the best seat in Mrs. Jewls’s class. He sat in the back of the room. It was the seatthat was the farthest away from Mrs. Jewls.

Mrs. Jewls was teaching the class about fractions. She drew a picture of a pie on theblackboard. She cut the pie into eight pieces. She explained that each piece was one-eighth ofthe pie.

Paul never paid attention. He didn’t see the picture of the pie. He didn’t see anything. Well, he did see one thing. Actually, he saw two things. He saw Leslie’s two pigtails. Leslie sat in front of Paul. She had two long, brown pigtails that reached all the way downto her waist. Paul saw those pigtails, and a terrible urge came over him. He wanted to pull a pigtail. Hewanted to wrap his fist around it, feel the hair between his fingers, and just yank. He thought it would also be fun to tie the pigtails together, or better yet, tie them to herchair. But most of all, he just wanted to pull one. Slowly he reached for the one on the right. “No! What am I doing?” he thought. “I’ll onlyget into trouble.” Paul had it made. He sat in the back of the room. He paid no attention to anyone, andnobody paid any attention to him. But if he pulled a pigtail, it would be all over. Lesliewould tell on him, and he’d become the center of attention. He sighed and slowly withdrew his arm. But Paul couldn’t ignore those pigtails. There they were, dangling right in front of him, justbegging to be pulled. He could close his eyes, but he couldn’t make the pigtails disappear.He could still smell them. And hear them. He could almost taste them. “Maybe just a little tug,” he thought. “No, none.” There they hung, easily within his reach. “Well let them just hang there!” thought Paul. It would be foolish to pull one, no matter how tempting they were. None of the other

children in the class pulled pigtails; why should he? Of course, none of the other children satbehind Leslie, either.

It was just a simple matter of being able to think clearly. That was all. Paul thought it overand decided not to pull one. It was as simple as that.

Suddenly his arm shot forward. He grabbed Leslie’s right pigtail and yanked.

“Yaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!” screamed Leslie. Everybody looked at her. “Paul pulled my pigtail,” she said. They all looked at Paul. “I … I couldn’t help it,” said Paul. “You’d better learn to help it,” said Mrs. Jewls. She wrote Paul’s name on the blackboardunder the word DISCIPLINE. “Tell Leslie you’re sorry.” “I’m sorry, Leslie,” said Paul. “Hmmmph,” said Leslie. Paul felt horrible. Never again would he pull another pigtail! Except, there was oneproblem. He still wasn’t satisfied. He had pulled the right one, but that wasn’t enough. Hewanted to pull the left one, too. It was as if he heard a little voice coming from the pigtailsaying, “Pull me, Paul. Pull me.” “I can’t,” Paul answered. “My name’s already on the blackboard under the wordDISCIPLINE.” “Big deal,” said the pigtail. “Pull me.” “No way,” said Paul. “Never again.” “Aw, come on, Paul, just a little tug,” urged the pigtail. “What harm could it do?”

“Lots of harm,” said Paul. “Leslie will scream, and I’ll get in trouble again.” “Boy, that’s not fair,” whined the pigtail. “You pulled the right one. Now it’s my turn.” “I know, but I can’t,” said Paul. “Sure you can,” said the pigtail. “Just grab me and yank.”

“No,” said Paul. “It’s not right.” “Sure it is, Paul,” said the pigtail. “Pigtails are meant to be pulled. That’s what we’re herefor.” “Tell that to Leslie,” said Paul.

“Leslie won’t mind,” said the pigtail. “I promise.” “I bet,” said Paul. “Just like she didn’t mind the last time.” “You just didn’t pull hard enough,” said the pigtail. “Leslie likes us pulled real hard.” “Really?” asked Paul. “Cross my heart,” said the pigtail, “the harder, the better.” “Okay,” said Paul. “but if you’re lying …” “I promise,” said the pigtail.

Paul grabbed the left pigtail. It felt good in his hand. He pulled as hard as he could. “Yaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” screamed Leslie. Mrs. Jewls asked, “Paul, did you pull Leslie’s pigtail again?” “No,” said Paul. “I pulled the other one.” All the children laughed. “Are you trying to be funny?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “No,” said Paul. “I was trying to be fair. I couldn’t pull one and not the other.” The children laughed again. “Pigtails are meant to be pulled,” Paul concluded. Mrs. Jewls put a check next to Paul’s name on the blackboard under the wordDISCIPLINE. But at last Paul was satisfied. True, his name was on the blackboard with a check next to

it, but that really didn’t matter. All he had to do was stay out of trouble the rest of the day,and his name would be erased. It’s easy to stay out of trouble when you have the best seat inthe class.

In fact, Paul could do this every day. He could pull Leslie’s pigtails twice, and then stayout of trouble the rest of the day. There was nothing Leslie could do about it.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Leslie screamed, “Yaaaahhhhhhhh!” Mrs. Jewls circled Paul’s name and sent him home early on the kindergarten bus. Nobodywould believe that he hadn’t pulled Leslie’s pigtail again.

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Chapter 11

Dana

Dana had four beautiful eyes. She wore glasses. But her eyes were so beautiful that theglasses only made her prettier. With two eyes she was pretty. With four eyes she wasbeautiful. With six eyes she would have been even more beautiful. And if she had a hundredeyes, all over her face and her arms and her feet, why, she would have been the mostbeautiful creature in the world.

But poor Dana wasn’t covered from head to foot with beautiful eyes. She was coveredwith mosquito bites.

Mrs. Jewls picked up her yardstick and said, “Now it’s time for arithmetic.” “Oh, no, Mrs. Jewls,” said Dana. “I can’t do arithmetic. I itch all over. I can’tconcentrate.” “But we have all kinds of arithmetic,” said Mrs. Jewls, “addition without carrying,addition with carrying, and carrying without addition.” “I don’t care,” cried Dana. “We have that, too,” said Mrs. Jewls, “addition without caring. Now, stop carrying on.” Dana whined, “I can’t, Mrs. Jewls. I itch too much.” “And I’m too thirsty,” said D.J. “I’m too tired,” said Ron. “I’m too hungry,” said Terrence. “I’m too stupid,” said Todd.

Mrs. Jewls hit her desk with her yardstick. Everyone stopped talking. Mrs. Jewls said, “We are going to have arithmetic now, and I don’t want to hear anotherthing about it.” “But, Mrs. Jewls, I really do itch. I can’t do arithmetic,” Dana whined. “No,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Arithmetic is the best known cure for an itch. How manymosquito bites do you have?” “I don’t know,” said Dana, “over a hundred. First I try scratching one, but then another one

starts to itch. So I scratch that one, and that one stops, and another one starts. So I scratch thatone, and the itch moves down to another one. Then it goes back to the first one. The itch justnever stays in the same place. I just can’t scratch them all.”

“What you need is a good, strong dose of arithmetic,” said Mrs. Jewls.

“I’d rather have calamine lotion,” said Dana. “Remember, Dana,” said Mrs. Jewls, “mosquito bites itch, not numbers.” “So what?” said Dana. Mrs. Jewls continued. “We’ll just have to turn your mosquito bites into numbers.” “I’m a mess,” Dana moaned. Mrs. Jewls began to turn the mosquito bites into numbers. “How much is three mosquitobites plus three mosquito bites?” she asked. Rondi raised her hand. “Six mosquito bites,” she answered. “How much is six mosquito bites minus two mosquito bites?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “Four mosquito bites,” said D.J. “How much is five mosquito bites times two?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “Ten mosquito bites,” said Bebe. “Very good,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I still itch,” Dana complained.

“I’ve got one more question,” said Mrs. Jewls. “How much is forty-nine mosquito bitesplus seventy-five mosquito bites?”

Nobody raised a hand. “Think, class,” said Mrs. Jewls. “This is for Dana.”

Nobody knew the answer. Dana’s itch began to get worse and worse. At last, Dana began counting her own mosquito bites. She counted seventy-five on one sideand forty-nine on the other. Then she added them together for a total of one hundred andtwenty-four mosquito bites. “One hundred and twenty-four mosquito bites,” Dana called. “Very good,” said Mrs. Jewls. Dana had one hundred and twenty-four mosquito bites. And none of them itched anymore. “I’m still thirsty,” said D.J. “Can arithmetic do anything for that?” “I’m still tired,” said Ron. “I’m still hungry,” said Terrence. “I’m still stupid,” said Todd. “I’m glad we turned my mosquito bites into numbers instead of letters,” said Dana. “Icould never spell mosquito.”

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Chapter 12

Jason

Jason had a small face and a big mouth. He had the second biggest mouth in Mrs. Jewls’sclass. And there were an awful lot of big mouths in that class.

“Mrs. Jewls,” Jason called without raising his hand. “Joy is chewing gum in class!” Joy had the biggest mouth in Mrs. Jewls’s class. And it was filled with gum. There washardly even room for her tongue. “Joy, I’m ashamed of you,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’m afraid I’ll have to put your name up onthe board.” “That’s okay, Mrs. Jewls,” Jason called. “I’ll do it.” Jason hopped out of his seat andwrote Joy’s name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE. While he was up, Joy took the glob of gum out of her mouth and placed it on Jason’s chair. Rondi and Allison giggled. Jason walked back from the blackboard to his desk and sat down. “Mrs. Jewls,” he called,“I’m STUCK!” Rondi and Allison giggled again. Mrs. Jewls got angry. “Joy, you’re going home on the kindergarten bus today.” “Oh, good,” said Todd. “I’ll have some company.” Todd went home on the kindergartenbus every day. He could never seem to make it to twelve o’clock without getting into troublethree times. His name wasn’t even up on the blackboard yet. But he knew that by twelveo’clock it would be up, checked, and circled. “Mrs. Jewls, what am I going to do? I’m stuck! I’m going to have to stay here the rest ofmy life!” said Jason. “Joy, tell Jason you’re sorry,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’m sorry, Jason,” said Joy. “Oh, that’s okay, Joy,” said Jason. “I don’t mind.” “Try to get up, Jason,” said Mrs. Jewls. Jason tried. “I can’t, Mrs. Jewls. I’m stuck.” Mrs. Jewls asked the three Erics to help. Eric Fry and Eric Ovens pulled Jason. EricBacon held the chair.

“Stop,” cried Jason. “You’ll rip my pants.” Rondi and Allison giggled. “All right,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Let’s try ice water. That should freeze the gum and make itless sticky. I’ll go get some from Miss Mush.” Miss Mush was the lunch teacher at Wayside School. She had the remarkable ability toundercook a dish and overcook it at the same time. Her specialty was a nice, hot bowl ofmud. She called it porridge. Jason looked at Rondi and Allison. “No, Mrs. Jewls,” he said. “Don’t leave me. Besides,Miss Mush’s ice water is probably warm.” “Don’t be silly, Jason,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’m sure it will be at least as cold as hersoups.” Rondi and Allison leered at Jason. “No, Mrs. Jewls, don’t go!” begged Jason. “I’ll be right back, Jason,” said Mrs. Jewls. She went to Miss Mush for some ice water. As soon as Mrs. Jewls stepped out the door, Rondi and Allison jumped up from their seatsand started to tickle Jason. He laughed until his hair turned purple. The girls got back to theirseats just as Mrs. Jewls returned. Mrs. Jewls carried a big bucket of ice cold water. “Oh, no, please don’t, no!” Jason pleaded. “We have no choice,” said Mrs. Jewls. She threw the water all over him. “Well,” said Mrs. Jewls, “try to get up.” Jason was drenched. “I’m wet and I’m cold and I’m still stuck!” “Oh, well, it didn’t work,” said Mrs. Jewls. “At least we tried. Now I guess we’ll have tocut your pants off.” Rondi and Allison giggled. “No, Mrs. Jewls, no!” Jason screamed. “I don’t mind being stuck here. I’m really verycomfortable.” “Don’t be silly, Jason,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Don’t cut off my pants,” said Jason. “The three Erics can carry you to the bathroom,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’ll ask Louis to callyour mother. She can bring you a new pair of pants.” The three Erics took hold of Jason’s chair and turned him upside down. “No, Mrs. Jewls,” said Jason. “Now I’ll always have a place to sit down. I won’t have toworry about finding a seat on the bus.” The three Erics began to take him away. “Wait,” said Joy. “Mrs. Jewls, if I can get Jason unstuck, do I still have to go home on thekindergarten bus?” “All right,” said Mrs. Jewls. “If you can somehow get Jason free, you don’t have to gohome early.” “Don’t trust her, Mrs. Jewls,” said Jason. He was still hanging upside down. “I’ll just kiss him,” said Joy. “No!” Jason screamed. “Don’t let her kiss me, Mrs. Jewls. Throw water on me. Tickleme. Cut off my pants. Hang me upside down from the ceiling. But don’t let her kiss me!”

“I’ll just kiss him on the nose,” said Joy.“We’ve got nothing to lose, Jason,” said Mrs. Jewls.“Oooooh, who would want to kiss Jason!” said Allison.Jason hung helplessly upside down.Joy stepped up and kissed him on the nose.Jason fell out of the chair and hit his head on the floor.Rondi and Allison giggled.“Darn,” said Todd. “Now I’ll have to go home alone again.”Joy erased her name from the blackboard.

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Chapter 13

Rondi

Rondi had twenty-two beautiful teeth. Everyone else had twenty-four. Rondi was missing hertwo front teeth. And those were the most beautiful teeth of all.

“Your front teeth are so cute,” said Mrs. Jewls. “They make you look just adorable.” “But, Mrs. Jewls,” said Rondi. “I don’t have any front teeth.” “I know,” said Mrs. Jewls. “That’s what makes them so cute.” Rondi didn’t understand. “Oooh, Rondi, I just love your two front teeth,” said Maurecia. “I wish I had some likethat.” “But I don’t have them,” said Rondi. “That’s why I love them so much,” said Maurecia. “Oh, this is silly,” said Rondi. “Everybody thinks the teeth I don’t have are cute. I’m notwearing a coat. Don’t you all just love my coat? And what about my third arm? I don’t haveone. Isn’t it lovely?” “Love your hat, Rondi,” said Joy. “I’m not wearing a hat!” Rondi screamed. “That’s what makes it so interesting,” said Joy. “Don’t you think so, Leslie?” “Oh, yes,” said Leslie. “It’s a very nice hat. Nice boots, too.” “I’m not wearing boots!” Rondi insisted. “Yes,” said Joy, “very nice boots. They go so well with your hat.” “What hat?” asked Rondi. “Yes,” Leslie agreed. “Rondi showed excellent taste by not wearing the hat or the boots.They go so well together.” Rondi had had enough. She covered her head so nobody could see her hat. She put her feetunder her desk so nobody could see her boots. Then she closed her mouth tightly so nobodycould see her two front teeth. Suddenly, everybody who was sitting near her began to laugh. “What’s so funny?” asked Todd. “The joke Rondi didn’t tell,” said Jason.

“Ask Rondi not to tell it again, Todd,” said Calvin. “Rondi,” said Todd, “don’t tell it again.” Rondi was horrified. She didn’t know what to do. She kept her mouth shut and just staredat Todd. To her amazement, Todd laughed. “Hey, everybody,” called Todd. “Listen to Rondi’s joke.” Rondi didn’t say a word, but the rest of the class began to laugh. Mrs. Jewls got very angry. She wrote Rondi’s name on the blackboard under the wordDISCIPLINE. “The classroom is not the place for jokes,” she said. “But, Mrs. Jewls,” said Rondi. “I didn’t tell a joke.” “Yes, I know,” said Mrs. Jewls, “but the funniest jokes are the ones that remain untold.” “Okay, okay,” said Rondi. “If that’s what you want, then that’s what you’ll get. I’ll reallytell a joke. That way I won’t disturb the class. And tomorrow I’ll wear boots and a hat. Ofcourse, you won’t like them as much as the ones I didn’t wear today. But I better hurry up andtell my joke before you all start to laugh. “There was a monkey sitting in a banana tree. He was very hungry. He knew thatsomewhere in the tree there was a magic banana, and that once he ate that banana, hewouldn’t be hungry anymore. He ate one banana. That wasn’t it. He was still hungry. He ateanother banana. That one wasn’t it, either. He was still hungry. Finally, after he ate his tenthbanana, he wasn’t hungry anymore. ‘I knew I’d find it,’ he said. ‘It’s too bad I didn’t eat thatone first. I wouldn’t have had to waste all those other bananas.’ ” Nobody laughed. Nobody had even listened to Rondi. Mrs. Jewls was busy teachingarithmetic, and everybody else was paying strict attention. Rondi slapped herself in the face to make sure she was really there. She was. The bell rang for recess. Rondi ran outside. She was very upset. Louis, the yard teacher, saw her. “Why the frown, Rondi?” he asked. “Come on, smile. Letme see your cute front teeth.” Rondi screamed. She socked Louis in the stomach, then bit his arm with her missing teeth.And that kind of bite hurts the worst.

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Chapter 14

Sammy

It was a horrible, stinky, rainy day. Some rainy days are fun and exciting, but not this one.This one stunk. All the children were wet and wore smelly raincoats. The whole roomsmelled awful.

“Ooooh, it stinks in here,” said Maurecia. Everybody laughed. But she was right. There was one good thing, however. There was a new boy in class. New kids are alwaysfun. Except no one could even tell what the new boy looked like. He was completely coveredby his raincoat. “Class,” said Mrs. Jewls. “I’d like you all to meet Sammy. Let us show him what a niceclass we can be.” Leslie walked up and smiled at Sammy. But her smile quickly turned into a frown. “Yousmell terrible,” she said. “Leslie!” exclaimed Mrs. Jewls. “That’s no way to greet a new member of our class.”Mrs. Jewls wrote Leslie’s name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE. “But he does, Mrs. Jewls,” said Leslie. “He smells awful.” “You’re ugly,” Sammy replied. “Now, Sammy, that’s no way to talk,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Leslie’s a very pretty girl.” “She’s ugly,” said Sammy. Allison spoke up. “Well, you smell terrible and are probably even uglier. But nobody cansee you because you are hiding under that smelly old raincoat.” “That will be enough of that,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Now, Sammy, why don’t you take off yourcoat and hang it in the closet? Let us all see how nice you look.” “I don’t want to, you old windbag,” said Sammy. “That’s because he’s so ugly,” said Leslie. “I’m sure he’s quite handsome,” said Mrs. Jewls. “He’s just shy. Here, let me help you.”Mrs. Jewls took off Sammy’s coat for him. But underneath it was still another raincoat, evendirtier and smellier than the first one. They still couldn’t see his face.

“Ooooh, now he smells even worse,” said Maurecia. “You don’t exactly smell like a rose, either,” Sammy replied. Mrs. Jewls took off his second raincoat, but there was still another one under that. And thesmell became so bad that Mrs. Jewls had to run and stick her head out the window to getsome fresh air. “You’re all a bunch of pigs!” Sammy screeched. “Dirty, rotten pigs!” The smell was overpowering. Sammy just stood there, hidden under his raincoats. Mrs. Jewls wrote Sammy’s name under the word DISCIPLINE. “Send him home on the kindergarten bus,” said Joy. “Not with me,” said Todd. Mrs. Jewls held her nose, walked up to Sammy, and removed his raincoat. She threw it outthe window. But he had on still another one.

Sammy hissed. “Hey, old windbag, watch where you throw my good clothes!” Mrs. Jewls put a check next to Sammy’s name on the blackboard. Then she took off anotherraincoat and threw it out the window. The smell got worse, for he had on still another one. Sammy began to laugh. His horrible laugh was even worse than his horrible voice. When Sammy first came into the room, he was four feet tall. But after Mrs. Jewls removedsix of his raincoats, he was only three feet tall. And there were still more raincoats to go.

Mrs. Jewls circled his name and removed another coat. She threw it out the window. Thenshe put a triangle around the circle and threw another one of his coats outside. She kept doingthis until Sammy was only one-and-a-half feet high. With every coat she took off, Sammy’slaugh got louder and the smell got worse.

Some of the children held their ears. Others could hold only one ear because they wereholding their nose with the other hand. It was hard to say which was worse, the laugh or thesmell.

Sammy stopped laughing and said, “Hey, old windbag, if you take off one more of mycoats and throw it out the window, I’ll bite your head off.”

“They smell too bad for me to allow them in my classroom,” said Mrs. Jewls. “You canpick them up when you leave.”

“They smell better than you do, Pighead!” Sammy shouted. Mrs. Jewls didn’t stop. She took off another one of his coats, then another, and another.Sammy was only four inches tall, three inches tall, two inches tall. At last she removed thefinal coat. All that was there was a dead rat. “Well, I don’t allow dead rats in my classroom,” said Mrs. Jewls. She picked it up by thetail, put it in a plastic bag, and threw it away. Mrs. Jewls didn’t allow dead rats in her class. Todd once brought in a dead rat for show-and-tell, and Mrs. Jewls made him throw that one away, too. “I’m glad Sammy isn’t allowed in our classroom,” said Rondi. “I didn’t like him verymuch.” “Yes,” said Mrs. Jewls, “we caught another one.” Dead rats were always trying to sneak into Mrs. Jewls’s class. That was the third oneshe’d caught since September.

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Chapter 15

Deedee

This story contains a problem and a solution. Deedee was a mousey looking kid. Unlike most children at Wayside School, she liked

recess better than spelling. As soon as the recess bell rang, she would jump up from her seatand run out the door.

There were big signs in Wayside School on every floor, “NO JUMPING DOWN THESTAIRS.”

Deedee never seemed to notice the signs. She jumped down the stairs. Some children tookthe stairs two at a time. Deedee took them ten at a time. That was on the way down. It wasfunny. She never seemed to be in quite the same hurry on the way back up.

There was another sign at Wayside School. “NO CUTTING ACROSS THE GRASS.”Deedee must not ever have seen that one, either. She cut across the grass and ran up to Louis,the yard teacher.

“I want a green ball,” Deedee said. The green balls were the best.

“I’m all out of green balls,” said Louis. “Okay, then I want a red ball,” said Deedee. The red balls were just about as good as thegreen balls. They didn’t bounce as high, but actually, sometimes you don’t want a ball tobounce too high. “I’m all out of red balls, too,” said Louis. “Do you have anything left?” asked Deedee. Deedee meant anything besides the yellow ball. There was one yellow ball at WaysideSchool and Louis was always trying to get rid of it. It didn’t bounce, and it never went theway it was kicked. “Anything at all?” asked Deedee. “Today is your lucky day,” said Louis. “I have one ball left, just for you; the one and onlyyellow ball!”

“No, thanks,” said Deedee. “Aw, come on, take it,” said Louis. “Why don’t you ever have any green or red balls?” asked Deedee. “I do,” said Louis. “But the other children ask first. By the time you get out here, they’reall gone.”

“But that’s because I have to come all the way from the thirtieth story. How do you expectme to compete with the kids from the first or second?” she asked.

“That’s why I saved you the yellow ball,” said Louis. “Everybody wanted it, but I saved itjust for you.”

“I bet,” said Deedee. She took the yellow ball and bounced it on the ground. It stopped dead with a thud. Shestepped back, ran up, and kicked it. It went backwards over her head. She didn’t botherchasing it. Instead she played hopscotch with Jennie and Leslie. She thought it was disgusting. The next day, Deedee asked Mrs. Jewls if she could go to recess early. “Why?” asked Mrs. Jewls. “So I can get a green ball before Louis gives them all away,” said Deedee. “I’m glad you have a good reason,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Yes, you may go. But first, spellMississippi for me.” Spelling was not Deedee’s best subject. By the time she finally got it right, she was fiveminutes late for recess.

She jumped down the stairs, cut across the grass, and ran up to Louis. There were no greenballs left. There were no red balls left, either. However, there was still the yellow ball.

Deedee played jump rope with Joy and Maurecia. It was no better than hopscotch. So Deedee’s problem was to figure out a way to get a green ball, or at least a red ball.

You already know that this story also contains a solution. Deedee figured it out. See if youcan, too. Remember everything you know about Deedee, Wayside School, and Mrs. Jewls.

Hint: The next day, Deedee brought a cream cheese and jelly sandwich, some nuts, andshredded cheese in her lunchbox.

Here’s what happened.

Just before recess, Deedee smeared the cream cheese and jelly all over her face. Then shestuffed her mouth with nuts and hung the shredded cheese from her nose. When she closed hereyes, she looked just like a dead rat.

Todd was in on the plan. “Mrs. Jewls,” he called. “There’s a dead rat in the classroom.” Mrs. Jewls was very put out. “I want that dead rat outside immediately!” When Mrs. Jewls said immediately, she meant it. Deedee instantly found herself outside onthe playground. “I want a green ball,” she said. Louis pretended that he hadn’t heard her. “May I please have a green ball?” asked Deedee. Louis gave her a green ball. “I don’t know how you did it, Deedee, but you’re first today,”he said. When Mrs. Jewls found out that Deedee and Todd had tricked her, she sent Todd homeearly on the kindergarten bus. Deedee threw the green ball on the ground. It bounced fifty feet straight up in the air, andthen she caught it. “You don’t like me, do you?” she asked Louis. “Sure I do,” said Louis. “No, you don’t,” said Deedee. “Yes, I like you,” said Louis. “No, you don’t,” Deedee insisted.

“Yes, I like you. I really do,” said Louis. “Are you sure?” asked Deedee. “Yes,” said Louis. “Don’t you believe me?” “I guess so,” said Deedee. “Do you like me?” asked Louis. “You bet,” said Deedee. “You’re my best friend!” “Terrific,” said Louis. “I always wanted to be best friends with a dead rat.”

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Chapter 16

D.J.

D.J. skipped up the thirty flights of stairs to Mrs. Jewls’s room. He was grinning from ear toear, from nose to chin, from here to there, and back again.

“Hey, D.J.,” Todd shouted, “glad to see you.” Todd was a pushover for smiling faces. Mrs. Jewls heard him. She began to write Todd’s name on the board under DISCIPLINE,but when she saw D.J.’s smile, she put down the chalk. “Good morning, D.J.,” she said.“What are you so happy about?” D.J. grinned and shrugged his shoulders. Mrs. Jewls smiled. Dameon looked at the smile on Mrs. Jewls’s face, then at Todd’s, and finally at D.J.’s.Then Dameon smiled, too. His smile was almost as big as D.J.’s. They were best friends. Once they saw the two of them smiling, the rest of the class couldn’t help but smile. Rondihad a very cute one, due to her two missing front teeth. Nobody had an ugly smile. Jason came to school late. He was very upset. But the first thing he saw was Dameon’ssmile, and he felt a little bit better. Then he saw Rondi’s toothless grin, and he even began tosmile a little himself. But when he saw the piano on D.J.’s face, he fell, laughing, onto thefloor. Everybody started to laugh, even Kathy, and she hardly ever laughed except when someonehurt himself. The whole room seemed to be laughing, not just the people in it. The blackboard chuckled.The ceiling snickered. The desks were jumping up and down, and the chairs were slappingone another on the back. The floor was very ticklish. It laughed until the walls turned purple.The wastepaper basket started to sing, and all the pencils stood up and danced.

Finally things began to settle down. Mrs. Jewls wiped her eyes and said, “D.J., why don’t